Wherever You Go, There You Are

2002-08-15T14:56:00.000-07:00

GO

2002-08-12T11:59:00.000-07:00

I put the Keep Fishin' publicity shot on my desktop. It kicks ass. You would get a screenshot, but I don't feel like it.

I also bought two tickets to Bright Eyes. I don't know who is going to go with me- I don't know if anyone who reads this even knows who they/he are. But it's the day after my birthday, and by then I'm sure I'll figure it out.

I am going to spend the rest of my day studying and doing college apps. I will not go online. I will not go online.

We'll see how that turns out.

2002-08-11T21:34:00.000-07:00

Life has been very music-oriented for me recently. Weezer was one of the most amazing experiences I've ever had- the music was so wonderful I can't even describe it, and I met a whole bunch of cool people and had a crazy night. I met Rivers (I met Rivers!!) and Scott, and told them how much I loved their music. I found new bands I like and have since discovered more, and am very exciting about other various concerts that are coming up.

I have my history final on Wednesday, and I can't remember anything. I also have not yet watched Glory. Thank god it's a night class. Signing off now- I've found myself having less to say recently.

2002-08-09T11:48:00.000-07:00

I'M GOING TO WEEZER!! goes wild

2002-08-07T14:30:00.000-07:00

My history project is due in four hours. I'm 3/5 of the way done and getting lazy. This would be much easier without cable, because I wouldn't interrupt myself to check blogs or look up bands every few sentences I write. Still, it's coming, even though I don't care about it and all of my responses are convoluted heaps of words that add up to about nothing.

Last night I saw Love and Death. Woody Allen. Very, very funny- much funnier than I expected it to be. I wish I had read more Russian literature so I got more of the references (I hate the feeling when you're watching a movie and you know they're making an allusion, but you don't know to what), but it still made me laugh a lot harder than a movie has in a while. I should go back and watch Manhattan, because it's the only Woody Allen film I've seen that I haven't liked, and I have a feeling that is because I watched it when I was too young to appreciate it. Or maybe it was just a bad movie. We'll find out. First I have to watch Glory for my history class, though. Then I'll go see Full Frontal. And then something off of The List. But maybe Manhattan will slip in there somewhere.

2002-08-06T13:21:00.000-07:00

So far today I've: finished my book, listened to more good music, gotten annoyed at certain people who have LJs and I don't (must do something about that!), and spent waaay too much time on the weezer mbs. I am now going to do my history homework. Yes, right now. I know you need to know. Goodbye.

2002-08-05T22:14:00.000-07:00

I've been staying up until the paper is delivered in the morning and not needing to talk. We just listened to the music and let it speak for us. One night where creative energy crackled throughout the room, another where we drifted in and out of sleep and it was enough. Enough to be together and know that these people were like me and with me and there for me. No matter how many exist with whom I can only talk about school, there are a few that will always be there for me and I hope I can do the same for them.

I've been listening to a lot of Simon & Garfunkel and the White Stripes. Incongruent, perhaps, but the correct prescription for right now. I'm reading The Fountainhead and it's made things around me a little blurry. I'm not finding any answers but at the moment it doesn't matter too much.

2002-08-03T11:36:00.000-07:00

This morning made me feel good. I talked to my coach and figured out what this season is going to look like. I think my problem is that I started running when I didn't think. Looking back at my freshman year, I seem so shallow- not in a blond, superficial way, but just in that I didn't reflect incessantly on every aspect of my life as I do now. So when I was a little freshman, I ran without even thinking about it. I loved (and still do) the feeling of flying in at the end of a race, pushing myself so hard over that last 150 meters that I barely felt my feet touch the ground. But somewhere between the next summer where I didn't run, and growing, and being ridiculously pensive, I lost that. Now I get nervous and have trouble breathing when I think about block after block going by, and feet pounding the grass over and over and over. In that moment, I know I can't do it.

But I talked to Cady today, and things are a little more okay than they were before. He gave me his full permission not to compete if I don't want to, and I felt immediately better. I wasn't going to run at all and I ran to 14th, turning around only because my calf muscles were burning. I still have a lot to work out on my own, but I appreciate his support more than he can know. Because deep down, buried under pressure to win and pressure to not quit and a conviction that I can't let people down, I still love it. When I've got that rhythm and I'm not really thinking about what my body is doing, just running, it feels great.

2002-08-02T14:18:00.000-07:00

Last night we watched "sex, lies and videotape." Though my mom blanched when she heard what we had rented, I think she grossly misremembered the sex scenes. It wasn't nearly as bad as she made it out to be before I stopped her with an accusation that she was ruining the movie.

It was a truly great movie- it was so cool to follow the twists and turns and try to understand the four psyches being represented on the screen. And it was one of the most sensual movies I've ever seen. I think implications are better than blatant sex scenes. I'm also amazed that it was Soderbergh's first movie. No wonder he's so succesful. I'm tempted to see "Full Frontal" now. One of the few movies out right now I'm actually interested in seeing.

In other news, my computer might definitely hate me. Probably because I've loaded up the hard drive with mp3s, but there were at least three different situations in the past 24 hours that made me want to throttle it. The only casualties so far have been 2 CDs and an email to sophie. Let the death count stay low.

2002-08-01T12:17:00.000-07:00

How annoying. I was so excited about a mix I was making, and now my unmentionable CD burner has ruined two CDs in the process of making it and I decided to give up. I've had the idea for a while to make a summer mix, but then I was browsing random LJs and someone mentioned how Cameron Crowe made a mixed tape every few weeks for the songs that got him through that time. I decided to adapt the idea and do a monthly one. Here's the list for anyone that's interested... maybe you (and I!) will get to hear it eventuallly.

1. Janis Joplin - Summertime
2. Wilco - Heavy Metal Drummer
3. Jimmy Eat World - Sweetness
4. Violent Femmes - Blister in the Sun
5. Saves the Day - At Your Funeral (the anthem song!!)
6. Jimi Hendrix - All Along the Watchtower
7. Weezer - Across the Sea
8. Rent - What You Own
9. White Stripes - We're Going to be Friends
10. Rolling Stones - Ruby Tuesday
11. Pavement - Shady Lanes
12. Me First and the Gimme Gimmes - Leaving on a Jet Plane
13. Les Miserables - On My Own
14. Hefner - Love Will Destroy Us in the End
15. Eels - P.S. You Rock My World
16. Led Zeppelin - Stairway to Heaven
17. Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here
18. Beatles - Across the Universe
19. Eagles - Hotel California (the kickass live version)

I also painted my toenails and decided to ditch my cross country practice.

2002-07-31T23:22:00.000-07:00

Today after class I ... came home and relaxed for once. After many nights getting in a smidgen before my curfew, always not finding parking anywhere near my house and having to walk through the darkened neighborhood resisting the urge to speed up while glancing around me frantically for any sign of malevolent beings, I came home around 10 and talked with my sister. I listed to the White Stripes (the third or fourth time today) and got caught up on all that is a near freshman girl's world.

For the past few nights, I've had a lot of fun but it hasn't been the ecstasy that it once was. I'm sure those moments will come again soon, but it's been more laid back recently. The two times when a moment of connection occurs, for me at least, is when you have an amazing mental connection with someone, or when you're so comfortable with them that you barely need to talk. There have been more of those latter moments lately, and they're just as enjoyable. There have been many wise people who have said a true friend is someone you can be quiet with, and I totally agree with that. At that point, you've already had the forementioned electrical connection, and you can rest quietly knowing that conversation isn't necessary.

2002-07-28T17:07:00.000-07:00

Sweet! I just found a bunch of bootlegs from a recent weezer concert. They're playing so many songs from Pinkerton and Blue- stuff that they haven't played in concert for years. And I now have a live mp3 of butterfly!! I can't wait I can't wait.

2002-07-28T15:47:00.000-07:00

I finished reading Queen of the Damned (the third book in the Vampire Chronicles series) and lay there thinking nothing, not even reflecting on what I had read but totally absorbed in the world that Rice presents. I'm enthralled with the myths she is able to create, and the characters, and the ideas. I read her books like a story, though. For me, there's no philosophical reflection that comes from it, no great questions raised in my mind even as I devour pages of what is clearly supposed to be a forum for a type of belief.

Now I'm listening to the Smashing Pumpkins - Mellon Collie & the Infinite Sadness. It's a double CD and I got it for $11 yesterday. And once again, I find myself unable to concentrate on what I'm trying to say. Every time I try to write recently, this happens. I either have a whole mess of ideas that I'm unable to distill into something concrete, or I have the urge to write and can't find anything to say. My thoughts come out incomplete, and I can't find the words I want to use. Or even worse, I just lose interest in what I'm saying. I hope that this resolves itself before long.

And now, even though I am morbidly aware of not having left the house today despite my plans to the contrary, I am going to do some history homework. I doubt I'll leave unless somebody calls me, and that really doesn't happen too often.

2002-07-27T23:00:00.000-07:00

We just got back from our 24 (actually about 27) hour vacation. Today was a very, very long day, but it was an overall good experience.

My weekend: starting with yesterday, I had a great beach day. It's been perfect weather all week, and I had regretted all of the things that were keeping me from going. But I finally got to go on Friday, and it was amazing. We swam out so far that Kai couldn't touch bottom even when he went all the way under, and then swam within 15 feet of a whole group (pod?) of dolphins. It was so awe inspiring to see them. I love the arch of their backs and fins, and they were there for a good 10 minutes! There were even some smaller, greyer ones that were probably babies.

Then I went home and drove down to San Diego (Escondido, actually) with my family. It's reminscent of all of the soccer tournaments I've played in suburbia- Targets and K-Marts galore, tons of other chains, and everyone we saw was white. I couldn't help feeling mildly disconcerted by the entire area; it just turns me off to be surrounded by what is so clearly mainstream America. We stayed in a cheap hotel, and my mom commented rightly that we could be in Anytown, USA, down to the biker bar next door. I just repeated to myself that I would never live there, and tried to fall asleep.

The next day (this morning!) we went to the Lawrence Welk resort to see my mom's friend's group. They sang 30s-50s standards to an audience full of people who clapped a few measures into every song, probably remembering dancing to that very tune in a diner or some such place. It was a show full of corny jokes and cornier music, but they loved every minute of it. And I enjoyed it too. There's something to be said for that time, or at the very least something to be said for appreciating the past. Those men and women have seen so much (1/3 of them stood up when Bill asked for veterans), lost so much, and are still around to tell about it. Also, the era itself deserves a note of appreciation. I hate saying "It was simpler then," but from what I can tell, it really was. We all know mainstream America now, how it's horrifically corrupt and passes on disgusting messages to children and more than half of our population is obese. From what I can gather (and this perspective is loaded with stereotypes, remember), it wasn't like that back then.

I'm sure I had a point here, but it's slowly slipping from my fingers. I spent the past 27 hours in three totally different worlds (the third: this afternoon I was in the gay district in San Diego) that are all distinct from each other and from the one I live in. I'm not sure if I learned any of those lasting lessons that are supposed to come with such immersions, except for observations about myself and the way I react to such glimpses of different cultures, so to speak.

2002-07-25T13:36:00.000-07:00

Last night marks the second time in a row that Jocelyn and I have been hanging out and it's turned into a large, random-peoplea activity. We're going to have to fix that... Last night was really weird, though, because we went to ben & jerry's, and at first I kept seeing people I thought I knew but really didn't. Then we looked at the front door and saw a familiar figure; and who should come trooping in but Kai, Jaden, Brittany and a bunch of other people. I was so surprised to see them that I didn't quite register the fact that Brittany had been away for weeks. I was a mood where everything was funny and so ended up cracking some pretty bad jokes, but at least they didn't mind. And the ice cream was good.

2002-07-24T20:37:00.000-07:00

Hooray! My midterm is over and I feel reasonably good about it. Though I'm not sure if I even answered the question, I had so much pleasure writing my essay that I feel like it barely matters. Also, when I write like that I know that it usually sounds really good to teachers and graders, so I might have left some stuff out but I used some mighty nice language to cover it up. Ms. Horn told me once that it was easier for "writers like you" to go to evidence from inference; ie, I can use not so good logic but the fact that I can string together words like a textbook makes up for it.

Does that sound unbelievably vain? I do believe it does. Oops. I'm just in the thralls of enjoying writing again, though. It's been a while since I've written anything that isn't intensely personal, and it was good to have that detached feeling again where all I have to do is pick the right words before I feel complete. I really want to know what he thinks of my essay. Probably the work of a pretentious high school student, but as long as I do well I don't really mind.

Now ends transmission of self-complimenting. Goodbye.

2002-07-24T14:04:00.000-07:00

I have a history midterm tonight, and I can't find it in myself to care. I can sense the nagging urge to study, and the voice that's telling me I should be worried, but I'm really not. I'm going to study, of course, because if I don't I really will be as screwed as I like to say I am. But this class feels like middle school again- a vague feeling of superiority, overt self confidence that I know everything even though I can't define all the key terms. I trust that the knowledge is there, and there's a 90% chance that it is. But if it's not...

Yesterday I went to the darkroom and fell in love. The smells of chemicals, Miles Davis playing on a crappy radio and the sheer unadulterated magic of watching images appear on what appeared to be blank paper. I love defined black and white lines and the way that you can print a huge eye if you really, really want to. There's something so pure about taking photographs and printing them yourself. I say it's the magic of images and contrasts, but for me I think it's something deeper than that. It's just something that feels so right to be doing.

I came home and tried to study, and I just kept thinking of photographs I could take and doing test strips and burning in faces. Awake at 1 30 am, I read "Creative Darkroom Techniques" and was happy. I can't wait to do more.

2002-07-21T22:26:00.000-07:00

This weekend has been so long and so glorious. I can't tell if time is going slower (ie days are really long) or faster (this morning seems like a really long time ago). It's a combination of the two, I suppose, but it's added up to make me feel entirely alive and yet as if everything that has happened to me wasn't really real. Or maybe that's the lack of sleep kicking in.

Besides a lot of time spent at the beach which has led to much more of a tan and a warm feeling of contentment, the best part of my weekend was saturday night(/sunday morning). There was so much good music and amazing conversation. The moments of connection that we live for just kept coming, piling one on top of each other until I was overwhelmed with what I suppose could be termed familiarity, but with someone I never met before. I take a lot of it for granted with my good friends, even though I am always grateful for it. But it came as a surprise that night, when I had thought all I wanted to do was engage in comfortable conversation and watch a movie. I feel like being so excited about this diminishes other people, and I don't want it to come across like that. It's just rare for me that this happens, and it's rather reaffirming when it does. And it's cool to have my taste in music appreciated : )

This feels like something I should wax philosophical about, but I'm too content in my own skin right now to go outside of it, even in my thoughts. I just want to state that I love music, I love my friends, and I love this summer.

2002-07-18T13:42:00.000-07:00

Wheee! I just made a Weezer B Side CD and am currently listening to it. This is a lot more exciting than it sounds because not only did I make a weezer cd, I made a cd period. My burner and I have a history of not getting along too well, but I just downloaded some random software and prayed. And it worked! It's funny about b-sides because they sound like songs that are on albums, but not quite. It's because they were written at the same time as various published songs, of course, but it confuses my brain. I recognize a riff here or a line there, but I'm not organized enough to know what songs they're from. It's especially hard to figure out what a given song sounds like when that song is playing- humming along to try and find the original tune always ends up singing along with what's really playing.

I just realized my past few posts have been all about music. Change of subject: tomorrow I have my Reed interview. I'm doing it now as opposed to after I turn in my app because they sent me a nice letter saying the dean of admissions is going to be in town doing interviews and would I like one? I decided I probably wouldn't be any more prepared for an interview in a few months, so I might as well do it now. For the past few nights, I've been lying in bed planning out how the conversation will go. I'm witty and articulate and funny, of course, and the guy asks all the right questions. I hope that my mental preparation will hold up and provide a backbone for what I say in real life. I always think of myself as a not-so-good conversationalist, but contrary to that belief, I think I've been improving monumentally in the past few months. Or at least rambling more. I think I've started talking a lot more than I used to in conversations with rather random people. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not, because sometimes I end up reflecting on what I've just said and it seems rather convaluted and pointless. In that vein, I'm always very impressed by people who can tell stories coherently, with a beginning, middle and snappy ending. And preferably, there will be a few funny lines in there too.
Gotta go, kiddies. More ever-amusing updates will follow eventually.

2002-07-17T13:59:00.000-07:00

I just filled up my 5 CD changer with punk CDs and am listening to them in order. I bought the Distillers at Amoeba the other day (along with a bunch of other new music that I have no idea how I will absorb), and they totally kick ass. It was rather fortuitous that I discovered them- driving after midnight and "City of Angels" came on, which I liked but didn't know who it was. Just as the after-hours KROQ guy was telling us the band, David started talking and I missed it. But luckily, he said it again at the end of his little blurb! So I knew the name, and then the CD was in the used section.... and now I'm here listening to Rancid and loving it. I think of all the music that I find, stuff like this is really me. Which is strange, because I'm not "punk" in any conventional sense of the term. Even the words and the anger aren't really who I see myself to be. But when I read the words, I understand where they're coming from, and I just love the music.

All of a sudden I'm annoyed at this post. Bye.

2002-07-14T16:26:00.000-07:00

I've spent this entire afternoon downloading songs. I have about 700, which is impressive even though I met someone yesterday who had five thousand seven hundred songs. I've now adapted his strategy of typing in a band's name and downloading as many songs as I can. I like this idea because it's good for getting a heavy dose of new music, but at the same time I'm afraid that downloading in bulk will take away from the songs individually. I'm just listening to them a lot more slowly than I'm downloading them.

And I feel perfectly justified wasting hours sitting on my ass because I've been home (not counting sleeptime) for probably four or five hours since thursday afternoon.

2002-07-14T14:18:00.000-07:00

Yesterday (among many other things) I went on a random photo shoot, scouring the streets of santa monica and venice for interesting things/people to take pictures of. We went into the Venice Ranch Market, a slightly seedy market on Rose where I always go to get ice cream, and there was this amazing woman sitting by the sugar. She was the perfect subject for a photograph, but I didn't want to try and take a surreptitious photo of her because the store was too small for me to get a good shot and not be seen by her. As I was taking pictures of the glorious repetition that occurs in such stores, she started talking to me and asked if I wanted to take her picture. She picked up what looked to be a Torah and held it to her chest, not moving an inch, beached in her chair. I couldn't imagine her anywhere else.

It seems to me that the most interesting subjects for photographs are the old, the destitute, the ones that appear unhappy or unclean. I think that the reason for this is that such people wear their stories on their faces or their clothes. Every wrinkle in that old woman's face seemed to speak of experience, a life of hardships, perhaps, but also of great joys. It's more of a starting off point for the stories that we create when we look at an image. A bum curled up on the street creates much more fodder for the imagination than a bland couple walking by. Let me directly contradict myself now by saying that I believe every person I see could make a good photograph. There's a photographer who has a book of portraits, riveting portrayals of people from every walk of life. The photographs are barely large enough to frame the face of the subject, and all of them are in vivid color. The proximity of the photographer to the subject creates a rare intimacy. By creating such an intense closeness with the subject, the photographer (whose name I must find) strips away a lot of the barriers that we create and presents the viewer with a soul, an concentrated essence of humanity. Such connection is what I believe every artist is trying to achieve.

2002-07-13T13:01:00.000-07:00

Dude, so it's Saturday and I'm updating even though I have things I'm supposed to be doing so I can do stuff later, but I'm still frozen in front of my computer after catching up on the parts of people's lives that they feel compelled to share with the rest of us. This is why I haven't gone online in a while, because I was afraid of getting drawn in. But if you don't go on in a while and then feel the need to catch up with what you've missed, then you spend even more time online and the things you read just kind of blend together. It's quite a conundrum.

I've been up to lots and lots of stuff since I last posted. A lot of things that had big buildups weren't as exciting as I thought they would be, but some of the things that didn't seem nearly so impressive from far away turned out pretty well. Thinking about it right now, one of the best parts of my week thus far has been running this morning. Sick and strange, I know. But we were so on, so in rhythm. It was an amazing experience. I go through life looking for mental connections, connections established through similar ideas or senses of humor or experiences. But there's something to be said for a purely physical connection, and I'm not talking sexual here. Just when your body is in sync with someone else's, and it's a really pure experience. And this kind of connection doesn't necessarily have to happen during exercise- it's the same sort of thing, I think, as just being held or holding someone. There are so many ways to anchor yourself to someone.

Despite all of this joy at connections, I have been questioning a lot of social situations lately. I enjoy my time with people, but sometimes it's just a way to fill the hours of my day so I don't sit at home thinking about how sad things are. Some of these psuedo-connections are so temporary that they seem like a waste of time. But is it better to only make friends that you know you're going to keep for life, that you have everything and anything in common with? Or can an equally good experience come from a random gathering of randomer people? I mean, of course it can be fun. It can be great. It's just that sometimes I can be sitting with people and not feel like I'm really there. And then it just feels pointless to be out "socializing."

Of course, that's the entire point of a carpe diem philosophy. To enjoy the moments as they come and not think about how will affect the larger picture. Roughly, that's the point. I really try and do that, but I think I won't be truly satisfied at all times until I figure out the bigger picture. And unless I "get religion", I doubt that will happen soon. Any philosophical belief that I come up with seems applicable in the moment, but doesn't cover enough to really make me feel secure. It's probably because I'm a little afraid to face death in my ramblings, but it's an essential part of any equation for mental health. Just an understanding of the big questions- that's what I want.

2002-07-09T22:01:00.000-07:00

I've decided that I should start drinking coffee. First of all, it can keep you awake. This is good for all-nighters (hw or conversations), and in addition, I have a strange penchant for the feeling you get when you're really tired but forcing yourself to be awake. Being really tired but still functional strips away a few of the layers we build around ourselves. That's why conversations late at night are so good, and writing (if you can hold a pen properly). There are just fewer inhibitions.

Also, coffee creates a myriad of social opportunities. It's something to do when there's nothing else to do, and it's the ideal setting for a casual date. And most importantly, how will I ever meet my ideal man in a coffee shop if I don't drink coffee!? It's such an ideal ("I'd be sitting there, reading, and he'd come up to me and ask me what I was reading. Then we'd get into this deep conversation about books and issues and he'd walk me home and we'd kiss in the rain..." *snaps out of her reverie*) It's weird how many people have that scenario in their heads. I guess that's why so many people just hang out in coffeeshops- we're all waiting for our soulmates.

2002-07-07T22:52:00.000-07:00

I just put my head down to listen to the orgasmic part of Only in Dreams. God, I love music. Even when people are making me angry, even when I have no idea why I'm still awake (and don't tell me it's barely 11 o'clock, I know that!), even when life is basically unreal... I can just be supported by this web of melody and harmony, throbbing bass and wailing guitar, repeated riffs that build and retreat until you're aching for them to take that last step. And then it does, and things are more right than they ever were before.

2002-07-07T22:04:00.000-07:00

Finally! Last night I sat down at the computer and, humming along to Louis Armstrong, started to write in blogger. Then my mom came along and insisted on doing something with the cable to get her new computer up and running. Lo and behold, I come back after watching "Octupussy" (which is a real Bond film even though it sounds like a porn flick or an Austin Powers parody) and my cable is no longer working. After 45 minutes on the phone, I find out that my dad plugged the cord into the wrong frickin' port!!! I mean, the first thing the ATT help line said was "make sure your computer is on", but I didn't expect such silliness to exist in my own home. Oh well- I'm finally back.

Today I saw The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys which I demand that everybody go see immediately. It was an amazing movie, and it is the only movie that has made me feel this way that I loved. It is simply a slice of life, with all of the comedy and tragedy that goes with it. It was one of the most genuine things I've seen onscreen in a long time. Walking around westwood afterwards, Cassie and I decided that it really is true that Hollywood (as in big-name, big-budget blockbuster Hollywood) is unable to produce truly good movies. This film is only playing on two screens in the area, when flicks like Spiderman are still playing in almost every theater across the country. It is a true tragedy.

Tonight I had such a good meal. My grandparents took us to the Charthouse, and I had a heavenly filet mignon with delicious potatoes. Part of my enjoyment was probably from not really eating during the rest of the day, but it was amazingly good nevertheless. We had a seat by the window and when I got tired of conversation I just watched the waves. The ocean makes me feel so comfortable-- I love the calming repetition of waxing and waning water, and the smells that come with the beach, and the feeling of sand under my toes as I lie in the sun. But it doesn't even have to be lying in the sun-- I can wander along the edge of the water and feel totally content. Though sitting on the sand or rocks in the chilly summer air does make me want to hold someone, and be held.

2002-07-03T14:40:00.000-07:00

I spent most of the morning cleaning my room, and though it is not nearly done, it makes me so happy to see clean shelf space and well-ordered books (the CDs are still a mess). I had to harden myself a little to throw things away. It's really tough for me to get rid of things that I have any sort of sentimental attachment to. Even little knicknacks that I've picked up along the way or magazines that I read once bring back some sense of who I used to be, and I have to look away as I place them in the trash. But unecessary sentimentality aside, another strange sensation I'm getting from this is how little I really need. There's so much random crap in my room that I keep for some inexplicable reason, but in reality, I only need a small fraction of it. And even "need" is an operative term. I guess, in bigger terms, it just comes down to the ties that keep us here, and the things that make us who we are. And I don't need a little sculpture or a 1996 magazine or a size 2 soccer ball to tell me who I am. But it's nice to have sometime, to hold onto and just remember.

2002-07-02T22:12:00.000-07:00

Today we wandered along the Boardwalk, loving the feeling of the sun beating down on our backs and laughing at all the strange people going by. We got henna tattoos and shopped and ate. It was lovely. I came home and organized my books... and I have a lot of books. The method of categorization shifts by shelf and sometimes within shelves. I would be immediately drawn to any person who could look at my books and tell me why certain books are next to one another. It would indicate that we were on the same plane.

2002-07-02T14:20:00.000-07:00

I've spent the entire morning online learning about tables and frames and reviewing silly things like "vlink." The only problem is, I'm not sure what to do with my newfound knowledge. My mind usually leaps immediately to complicated images without having the knowledge, so I'm trying to start small this time. But what to do?

I have to break away from this computer. Must...go...outside.

2002-07-01T22:37:00.000-07:00

The weekend was definitely very interesting. A lot of time spent in various forms of transportation, a lot of sleeping under duress, interesting family dynamics to observe, and quite a few nice people. It went so quickly compared to other summer days that I feel like a valuable part of my summer has been sucked away. I just have to keep reassuring myself that today is only the first of July, and we have a long time ahead.

I had my history class tonight, and though I enjoyed it, I got in the car and heard myself start complaining. Sometimes I look around the classroom (or listen to people's comments) and I wonder how much they really understand. Is my level of comprehension really that much higher than everyone else's, or am I just convincing myself that I am the smart one? It just worries me when my teacher doesn't seem to see things in the documents he gives us. I can't tell whether he's playing dumb to make the class feel better about their observations, or he honestly didn't see that "Lev. 20.13" meant Leviticus 20:13. My dad just said "Have you ever heard of the Ivy League Syndrome?" which is some silly name for the feeling of getting to Harvard or some such place and finding out that you're just average. And of course I have, but I don't think it's something I really need to watch out for. I like smart people. I like being around them, and I don't really mind being wrong. I just want to be in an environment where those people exist everywhere, not only the people I surround myself with to create some kind of brainy buffer to the outside world.

Speaking of the outside world, I was exposed to two especially horrible instances of pop culture this weekend. One was the movie "Crossroads," which I watched on the plane just to see what it was like. Verdict: horrible. Horrible messages for all those young girls who worship Britney Spears, and unrealistic to boot.

Also, there was an article in my sister's YM that made me incredibly angry. It's not on their website so you can't read it without giving money to corporate america (or borrowing it from me). It was called "Why Geek Guys are Hot" (or something inane) and it listed all of these stereotypical "geek" attributes that are apparently the flavor of the month. It was just so blatantly fake and unappreciative and stereotypical and hypocritical. And besides, what happens if all my geek guys get swept away by blondes with perfect makeup who carry a copy of the article in their pocket as a reference? I can just see them now, looking at his face and then back down at the page. "Bushy hair" check. "Emaciated" check. (yes, it really says that) "Dorky glasses" check. Then, raising one perfectly plucked eyebrow, she'll move in, using all of the flirting tactics listed on page 23.

2002-06-27T21:51:00.000-07:00

It's off to New Hampshire for me tomorrow. It's only for the weekend, but it seems like an incredibly long time. Summer days have that quality. It's partially the fact that it gets dark so late, but even so, waking up a few hours before noon would seem to work against the long-day effect. Still, every day seems to stretch on, amazing amounts of possiblities even when it's seven thirty in the evening. So I feel like I'll be missing a lot.

But I have books to read, and my nails are done, and a cute dress to wear. I think I can survive.

2002-06-26T22:35:00.000-07:00

Right now there is a firework show somewhere in the immediate area and it's making me incredibly nervous. I can't see anything in the sky, so all I hear are loud noises that haven't stopped for the past five minutes. I know nothing's wrong, but my shoulders are still tense.

In other news... I came out of my history class tonight and was waiting on the sidewalk, idly listening to a pair of people next to me. They were new with each other, I could tell. She was talking about her major in a voice designed to connote confidentiality, and he was empathizing and making nervous jokes. There was a lull, and he said "Um, do you want to go get coffee or something?" She smiled and nodded, and they walked off together, still making small talk and still overly aware of how close their bodies were to each other. I don't know what happened after that, and I'll never find out. But it was comforting to see that happen, to see a small connection get made. And maybe an entire future will come of it.

2002-06-26T13:55:00.000-07:00

I'm listening to Pavement and shamelessly self-advertising on this stupid Brag Sheet. I don't know why it's so hard, but for every good paragraph I write I have to get up, wander around, listen to a song or two or eat a cookie. And then check everything possible online. Then, and only then, am I able to write about what makes me "unusual as a person or a learner."

I just feel kind of passive today. I slept strangely, and even though I had hoped to be inspired into lucid dreamstate, none appeared. Instead, I rolled around waiting for my alarm to go off, checking the time every few minutes so I could give myself permission to get up. I had lots of strange thoughts, but I've tried to forget them because I've already gotten confused between sleepthoughts and reality a few times.

2002-06-25T23:47:00.000-07:00

I just saw the most amazing movie, and though my eyelids were closing under the weight of the concepts and the heat of the room, I have a new rush of energy and want to write about it. Waking Life is first of all amazing for the visuals; it's animated over real film, and there are so many different styles of animation going on at once that a friend was prompted to remark "Can anyone say 'acid trip'?"

But the ideas... the words... the sheer power of vocabulary. One character discussed the idea of language as borne out of our desparate need for connection, and even as I was agreeing with what she said, I realized that my simple act of recognizing truth in her statement was exactly what she was talking about. Even moving in day to day life, there is no escaping these concepts which guide us. You'd think they would only be appropriate for late night conversations or intellectual debates, but they run so deeply in every facet of our life that it's folly not to consider them daily.

I only take such a strong viewpoint on the appropriateness of considering such concepts when, say, walking down the halls at school, because I do it myself. Too much, sometimes. I've gone days where I think about the futility of life everywhere I turn, and every song and conversation and movie that I run into pushes me back into pensive mode.

I'm watching it again tomorrow, and I think I'll be tempted to take notes.

2002-06-25T00:43:00.000-07:00

I've started working on my brag sheet. It's fun being effusive about myself, but on the other hand, I feel extremely egocentric and vain doing it. Anyone who reads what I've written (especially those who actually know me) will probably scoff to themselves, asking "Who is she kidding!?" I've only written a few things that I really believe are true, and the rest is unadulterated "fluff" (the word we used before we said we "bulshitted" our essays).

It makes me angry that this is even necessary. The fact that every prospective college student in the nation is doing their best to play up their good qualities has got to have admissions officers on alert. Of course we're not going to mention the bad stuff, and of course euphemisms carry the day. That's what college admissions is all about: spin doctoring. It's just an image competition, and I'm tired of it before it's even begun. It's more of a popularity contest than school elections are purported to be-- the popularity rating, in this case, on who presents the best "candidate face" to the board. I just hope that what I wrote about myself that I actually believe in won't get lost in all the other padding.

2002-06-23T20:23:00.000-07:00

What's weird about me (besides the fact I post too much and get too introspective in a subconscious effort to make people understand me better so I don't have to tell them all individually about my neuroses, so that my life is like a book with an omniscient narrator where I can see into other people's brains and they can see into mine) is so many things that I can't begin to count. But one is the way that I deal with friendships.

I remember reading a seventeen article one time where a girl complained about 'dry spells.' How when she was looking for a boyfriend, no one ever liked her, but when she was involved with a guy, three more were in line. I feel the same way a lot when it comes to friendships. Not the two extremes of people lining up to hang out with me vs. calendar pages filled with blank days, but sometimes I feel like I have so many people in my life that plans are overwhelming (note the 'feel'; I'm very rarely overwhelmed with plans), and sometimes I feel like no one cares about me. I think the fact that both these perceptions are untrue to some extent should show me how much of my real reactions I base on life inside of my head, but so far, logic has failed to make too much of an impact.

I guess it just doesn't make sense to me when I have someone who wants to do something with me and I stay home reading, even though I would like to be out with them too. It doesn't make sense when I meet someone I want to be friends with and don't ask them for their number, and then write my number in countless people's yearbooks who probably have no interest in doing anything with me. Most of all, what doesn't make sense is the frantic feeling I get when I think about these things. Or the persistent idea that no one really knows me. If I complain about the fact that I tell too much to people who by definition don't know me, how can I feel like my closest friends don't know who I really am?

My best answer for that is that I don't understand me any better than they do. And some of them probably have their own hypotheses about my motives that are more viable than my own. It's strange because I know several people who are very aware of themselves. They're aware of how they are now, and how they got to be that way. The reasons behind the way they act, and the ways they want to change themselves to become the person they want to be. I don't know that about myself. I have sketchy guesses and obtuse hypotheses, but when you boil them all down, I don't think they mean much.

My goal this summer is to understand myself better.

2002-06-21T20:03:00.000-07:00

I just woke up from a three hour nap- needed, yes, but not what I wanted to do with my afternoon/early evening. 8 o'clock seems too late to start anything, so I might end up sitting at my computer during the longest day of the year. Oh well... at least other people are doing the same thing.

2002-06-20T23:47:00.000-07:00

AAAWWW!!! Mrs. Rubin emailed me to thank me for the book I gave her. She is the sweetest thing in the world. *warm fuzzy feeling*

Tonight was graduation, which seemed a lot less monumental than it should have been. This is speaking as a band member, of course, who was suffering through hot sun and wind blowing away my music and a very low tolerance for bad speeches. But as each senior ('graduate') walked down the ramp, shook hands with Kelly (who looked happy to see them even if he probably didn't recognize them at all), received their envelope and took off their caps, I was wondering what was going through their heads. And what will be going through mine when I follow that same path. From my chair, I predict that I will be constantly reminding myself that this is it. This is what it all leads up to, this is the ceremony that means 13 years of schooling is over. I think that the ceremony itself doesn't matter as much as understanding what it represents, but when the moment comes and I realize that I have graduated from high school, I'm sure amazement will hit me like a punch in the stomach. Because it is so surreal when you think about it; when you think about all of this. The passage of time, the fact that so many familiar faces will be gone next year, the idea that in exactly a year the names will include those people with whom I've shared so much... it's astounding.

And then the glorious fact that summer is truly upon us, and the days of little to no responsibility have begun. That's a lot easier to accept.

2002-06-18T22:16:00.000-07:00

And just a few hours after that post, I feel much better. Another sign of summer beginning today- I went to the beach and had this summer's baptismal dip in the ocean, which was much warmer than I would have expected, as well as being such a pure pleasure that I vowed (as I do every year) to go every day. I miss the beach so much when it's been months since I smelled salt on my body and tasted it on my lips.

I had a wonderful time, with a few of my friends and a few of my sister's friends (both sets were complimented by the other sister). If this is my summer, I will be very happy. *skips off humming 'Under the Sea'*

2002-06-18T15:55:00.000-07:00

Sometimes (such as today) I feel extremely alone. I never think people care about me as much as I convince myself they must, because if they don't, then I'm really in trouble. But one thing I have trouble dealing with is watching groups and being alone, or watching those groups while I'm with someone I don't really want to be with, or I wish I could be doing more with than I'm going to be able to.

One thing that I think is truly wonderful about this world of ours is small gestures of appreciation. A word, a smile, an unexpected hug. These can make people's day. Feeling wanted can make you feel so good about yourself. My problem with this is that I always feel like I'm the one making these gestures and never on the receiving end. I'm fairly sure that most people feel this imbalance in most of their relationships, always assuming themselves to be the giver (unless you have a stalker). But.. but... I don't know, what else can I say? People are probably nicer to me than I give them credit for, but I don't think anything besides the very small part of my brain labeled 'rational thought' can understand that right now.

2002-06-17T22:52:00.000-07:00

I feel good because I just did my last assignment for all of junior year; and besides that astounding achievement, I actually feel like it was good.

One thing I don't understand is jealousy. How we feel the need to compete with other people, to be more admired, more looked at, more appreciated. Especially when we have confirmation that we are, indeed, the top of someone's list. Why does that feeling always creep back? I can partially blame this society, where competition and getting on top is basically the way of life. We've been taught since childhood that to succeed, we must do certain things, live up to certain expectations. And most of all, there can be only one winner.

Someone tell me that it's not true. Or at least isn't true all of the time.

2002-06-16T22:06:00.000-07:00

I should really be studying for my math final right now, but I simply don't care. I probably know the stuff, and if I don't, then... we'll just see. I'm just feeling very apathetical towards school right now, because for all intents and purposes it's over. Too bad the teachers don't understand that. Or the administrators who are insisting that we have an essay final for english. Oh well, 5 more days (technically), but a lot less in reality.

There are so many songs that I used to listen to that bring me back to that time. It's amazing the power music can have. I think our sense memories from music are only surpassed by memories that are brought on by scents. Those can be overpowering. I've walked into a room and smelled a scent that I knew so well, but couldn't figure out where it was from. It's such a frustrating feeling to try to pin down the source of your memory, and have it elude you every time. Another thing that happens with for me is lines from books or movies. I get a line in my head, or an inflection of a certain word, and I can't rest until I figure out where it's from. But I usually do better with words than with smells.

2002-06-15T18:15:00.000-07:00

Summer- I can smell it in the air, feel it in the warmth of the sun, hear it in my friend's laughs. I keep coming back to the thought that this year is over, and summer is almost almost here. When faced with simple statements: our junior year is over. The seniors will be gone. We will be the ones people are missing next year... what do you do? How do you respond to something so simple, yet so complicated? I've done a lot of things- cried a little, enjoyed being with people I love, sat quitely appreciating things, and kept stating these realizations over and over. Thinking about them in the grand scheme of things makes them even more surreal. I feel like time is rushing by, but also that it's going incredibly slowly. My mind is full of paradoxes.

Most of last night was unadulterated bliss, though. There's something amazing about curling up with your friends and listening to old music and singing at the top of your lungs. When we were all singing, there was this vibration through my body, coming from both sides. But even when we were quiet, the warmth left from that feeling was still there. Because I was there, in that moment, with people I love. And it made things beautiful, but it also just made things feel okay. Okay as in everything was under control, everything was right, everything will work out for the best.

2002-06-13T22:09:00.000-07:00

Today was very long and very nice. It's feeling more and more like summer every day, from the lightness of my backpack to the feeling of goodbye to the fact that's it light at 8 o'clock and the air smells so good!

School was mostly yearbooks and laughter, and after school Lauren and Lindsey came by the track!! It was so great seeing them, and I finally got their number so hopefully we can hang out. They are such wonderful people.

Lucy and I did various things, and with her dragging alongside me, I managed to almost completely resolve my summer. I feel so much better now- I actually have an answer to the ubiquitous question, and I don't feel like anything is hanging over my head. That's why it really feels like summer, I think. I can honestly say that at this moment, I have no real obligations. The math final doesn't count yet.

I feel like humming to myself as I walk around in the night air and admire the beautiful crescent moon we have tonight.

2002-06-12T20:48:00.000-07:00

I guess the Lakers just won. I can hear screams and fireworks and horns coming from outside. Good job, Lakers.

Someone told me recently that they thought devotion to a sports team was better than devotion to one's country (ie overt patriotism Sakow-style. I give you a quote: "you're a communist if you miss the cymbal solo in the star-spangled banner"). I can't say that I agree, but it's a lot simpler, that's for sure. It would truly be better if we were all devoted to poets or musicians, who didn't compete but just created. We wouldn't fight wars over this sort of thing, because the tension wouldn't be there. I just think it's dangerous when a large group of people gets too devoted to one thing. Mob mentality invariably develops, and mobs are ugly things. This should probably lead into a personal opinion treatise on my view of this sort of thing, but I can't find it in me to care. How silly.

2002-06-10T23:29:00.000-07:00

Which of the Disney Princesses are you?

Hooray! She's my favorite. And I actually answered all the questions honestly instead of trying to find out what the 'right' answer was.

Okay. Bed. Really.

2002-06-10T23:22:00.000-07:00

I finished my creative project!!!

Just a dumb periodic trend chart that took me way too long to make, because of various programs having issues and switching computers and finally realizing you can make stupid arrows on stupid word. Oh well, it's done, and that's one more thing to cross off my list. If she doesn't accept it, I will cry. And then perhaps hit her.

2002-06-09T20:03:00.000-07:00

I did a lot of stuff yesterday and then stayed up too late, so even though straining to keep my eyes open and my wit sharp at 1 am was fun, it's taken its toll today. Today when I felt utterly defeated about finding a job (even though I probably will), scared about playing in front of people who can't tell the difference anyway, and entirely uninteresting.

There are things I want to say to people but can't yet, people I want to say 'hi' to, but probably shouldn't. So much. So much nonsensical thought and self-repression and so many questions that aren't being answered.

I want to go to college for the same reasons as before, except even more so. I just want to have something settled.

2002-06-06T16:57:00.000-07:00

I went on a great run today. We ran along the beach and then through a tunnel that placed us at PCH and Channel. We ran through the streets and felt like we were in a totally different world. If there had been fewer cars, it would have been even more exciting, but it was cool to just keep moving until we found the place we were going. Then up 195 steps (I didn't count, they were labeled) and we were back on 4th and San Vicente, in the world we know so well.

And what else happened today? Something good. Oh! During lunch, I was coming back from Coffee Bean and heard the sound of an electric guitar. We altered our route slightly and saw Max playing in the quad. It was surreal; I wanted to be seeing the school through a camera lens. The shot would start with the front of the school and pan slowly, zooming in on moments: a fight, a kiss, a girl applying makeup. All with this wild guitar sound in the background. Then I'd zoom so quickly towards Max that the viewer would feel momentarily dizzy, and when they recovered, there he would be, playing his guitar in the center of everything. It would be sweet. (and by sweet, I mean totally cool :-) )

2002-06-05T20:30:00.000-07:00

I just looked outside and saw that night had fallen. It was a momentarily disturbing experience; I had a few fleeting thoughts about how out of touch we are with it all. I was buried in my math homework and mp3s and didn't realize that this entirely natural phenomenon had occurred. Very strange to all of a sudden think about the bubble that we live in.

Besides that, today was routine. More than routine- boring. I'm getting so tired of school, and even though we have less than three weeks left, it's very little reassurance because I don't want to think about the summer. I want to think about (and I do, dream even) long nights and lying in the sun and swimming and general laziness and spontaneity, but I have to do something else and I don't know what it is. And I don't want to think about the possibility of not being able to find a job and not taking a class and everything being bad. Please let it not be bad.

I had a few truly good moments today, though. And I ran and finished my tutoring (thank god she changed the hours!). So life was not totally pointless.

2002-06-04T22:45:00.000-07:00

Today had some rough spots, but I cheered up around 3 when I heard about the Kivel's band. Jesse was so funny talking about it! He wouldn't stop, and he kept repeating himself. I want to hear them at the talent show. I think I know other people playing too, so it will be worth going.

My. It's almost 11. I got home about 20 minutes ago from working on the powerpoint presentation. Powerpoint is so much fun!

I hope that the days to come resemble this afternoon (mininap included) instead of other parts of today. That would be nice. And now to bed I go.

2002-06-03T20:52:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I worry because when I have nothing to do, sleep is my default. I know I've read that a constant desire for sleep is a sign of depression, and I don't think I'm depressed, but something is not right. I think there's too many things that I want to have and I can't, and too much that I should be doing and I don't want to do, and too much time going by with not enough being done, and too many feelings that don't make sense. Just too much.

So I will listen to "Time of the Season" and hope that someone comes on so that I can talk to them. But soon I'll be in bed and drift away to disturbing dreams. And then I'll get up and go to band and be bored, and go to math and not pay attention even though I should. And the day will go on. And life will go on.

Good night.

2002-06-02T22:12:00.000-07:00

I like reading my own blog. Does that make me weird?

Anyways, had a filling evening, with satisfying company and food. Excellent burgers; I didn't know that my dad had it in him to barbecue so well. Finished my essential homework, but because I spent the afternoon sleeping and having a series of very strange dreams (I have a feeling I came up with a big theory about life and time, but I'm not sure what it is anymore), I have decided to postpone Eurasian capitals, etc. until a later date and just start on Africa so I can ace next week's test. I'll learn it eventually, don't worry. But not by tomorrow.

And there are only three more weeks of school left! A very strange concept, because I still have to tie down my summer plans. Also scary because of the usual 'ohmygod where has the time gone' reasons, ie we have three weeks left of our junior year in high school and after that there's only one more year and in six months all of our college apps will be in and the next phase of our life will be on the verge of beginning. But first, gotta get through these next three weeks.

2002-06-02T13:47:00.000-07:00

Entitled: Something I Think About a Lot

How much do I read into other people's emotions, and how much are they feeling that they just don't want to tell me? I assume people are thinking certain things (ie they're madly in love with me, etc.) and so I try to tease it out of them, convinced that the only reason that the words aren't coming out is because of some strange restraint they have, be it shyness or fear of commitment or something else. I convince myself of these things, but I don't know how often they are true. So I end up being the one who makes advances, being the first one who broaches a subject or reaches out for a hug. A lot of the time, I think over with my relationships with people and wonder about the give and take ratio; how much do they know about me vs. how much I know about them, the amount of information I pour out lined up against what they decide to tell me.

And I don't know whether that's a healthy way to live or not. It can't be good to always put thoughts into people's heads, as if their thought bubbles had a little "I ------ Emily and think she's -----" (fill in the blanks) option. But being open can lead to reward or disappointment. It's a risk, because you never know if people are going to reciprocate or not. And I don't think that I'm the most open person in the world; I don't sit down and tell my life story to strangers. But I feel like I have more of a tendency towards confidences than other people.

I would be really interested to know what anyone thinks about this. So comment (um, if my comments are still up- I'll have to check that) or email me.

Now I will study. Really.

2002-06-02T11:23:00.000-07:00

I feel so guilty whenever I cancel on people. Or don't go to things that I've made a commitment to. I'm sure some people have better coping mechanisms for this than I do, but I just get physically uncomfortable and mentally frantic, and I'm unable to concentrate on whatever I'm doing. It takes me a while to get out of this state, but it needs to happen because I have an insane amount of information to learn.

Now that I think about it, I have these weird physical reactions to a lot of things. My stomach clenches up so easily, and it gets harder to breathe. It happens when I think about certain things, or have been away from some people too long, or do stuff like cancel on people. I don't know if it happens to other people, but it must to some extent, or I might need some help.

This is why I need to learn how to meditate.

2002-06-01T23:14:00.000-07:00

So, I guess after fixing the html a billion times (okay, four or five) and continually redownloading this stupid (not really, quite nice) template, I might as well actually update. Hmmm. Too bad there's not really that much to say.

Today was my long day, and it was long, as expected. The SAT IIs already seem like a long time ago, because they were so early and I slept in between. Nice nap, actually made me feel alive instead of a walking zombie. Then two concerts, the first of which was pretty pathetic. But I didn't care because I don't care about band. In fact, no one cares about band.

Then orchestra- it would have been sad when they made all the speeches, but there's another concert next week. If they give him the same award again, I will not be happy. Still, I felt mildly teary when I heard his choked up voice over the speakers. The music did some strange things, but it was overall good.

Now I'm home and exhausted and wasting my night (though my blog does look very nice, thanks melike!). I'm just so tired, and everything I think about makes me angry or sad or bored. But I'm not in a bad mood. Just a mood.

2002-05-31T18:22:00.000-07:00

My computer is back! Oh, how I missed it. How I hated typing on that stupid mac keyboard where you had to press twice as hard and three times as specifically to get the words to register. It's good to have my music back, and be in my own little space again. No more parents in the background, or a sister sitting right next to me.

I was in a bad mood today after chamber. A weird mood all day, actually- I go around not absorbing too much until I'm around certain people. Then my senses go into overload- I become superbly aware of where they are and what they're saying and how close our skin is to touching. But I did other things too: play Hinklefinnieduster (I think that's what it's called), reconnected with someone, posed for a few photographs.

But then after-chamber came, and I was reminded of things. It's another thing that shouldn't bother me anymore but still does. That's at least two for today, as a matter of fact. What's weird is that I'm not dwelling in the past. I feel something, but not to the extent that I would have a few months ago. I'm not sure what's going on with this deadening. Maybe it's closure, maybe it's maturity, maybe it's something chemical. Strangeness.

Now I will go do something. Stay online for a bit and fix my favorites. Or read. Or study. We'll see.

2002-05-28T19:26:00.000-07:00

Blech. Am in an annoyed sort of mood for no particular reason. Ever just feel like there's something you want to do, and you don't know what it is besides the fact it's exactly the opposite of what your parents want you to be doing at that exact moment? Exactly.

We're starting a women's lit unit in english and I'm quite excited. The only problem is that I always struggle with the idea of lauding or condemning an author just based on gender (or race or religion or sexual preference or anything other term you can possibly draw a dividing line with). But it should be quite fun; my mom pointed out some books that she thinks I should read. Hopefully I'll be able to read all of them and actually use the unit for what it is (a real english class) instead of being disillusioned and annoyed. This will depend on a) how motivated I am and b) how much sleep I get. So I'll work on both of those.

2002-05-27T16:29:00.000-07:00

Someone sent me a "Someone Likes You" email, so I put in everyone's email address that I could remember off the top of my head. So if you get one and you do not like me, don't be alarmed (ie Jocelyn, Kai....) I hate these things, but I must know who sent it to me! Tell me if you know!

In other news, the day has been going by slowly and summerly (is that a word?) Did various errands, took a walk, read a bit, practiced... quite nice. I vaguely want to see people at school, but I could take this existence for a while longer.

2002-05-26T20:25:00.000-07:00

Just finished reading Pride and Prejudice. I had started it a while ago, but I think I was too young to wrap my head around the language. Today it caused no problem, though, and I fell in love with Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy, as I'm sure countless other teenage girls have over the years. It was a delightful book.

It'll also help me in quiz bowl, because according to Gaida (and he's right) they love Jane Austen. There are more questions about her than Shakespeare.

Other than that, I have been doing absolutely nothing. I've barely even been eating. But it's been so enjoyable to curl up with a good book, and wander around a house that smells like flowers. Sometimes I really need time alone, and though I'm afraid I'll get depressed if I go for too long without leaving the house, it hasn't struck so far.

2002-05-25T16:48:00.000-07:00

I got a 1520 on my SATs.

I was unbearably happy, dancing and screaming and all that other foolishness one would expect- but all of a sudden I've lost my insane enthusiasm and I just feel like grinning. *grins*

Last night my dad had a house concert, so our living room/dining room was filled with unusual music and people. I enjoyed myself immensely, as always coming away with a new appreciation for my parents and for adults in general. I met some really nice people and did the college talk, of course, but there was also a lot of easy conversation that added a little more kindling to the hope of future relationships in strange settings. Flamenco guitar is truly amazing, by the way- especially live, because no matter how closely you watch the guitarist's fingers, the sounds seem to be coming faster than is physically possible.

This weekend is stretching ahead of me like a gift- I feel like there is so much time and so little to do, that the ratio is practically impossible (get it? dividing by zero...? sorry.) But it's such a nice day and everything smells so good, and there just seems to be a lot of possibility in the air.

2002-05-23T17:45:00.000-07:00

I've tried to update several times since my last post and have had way too many issues to deal with- don't worry, it wasn't anything exciting. Not that this will be, I just have an urge to write before tearing the house apart to find my calc book.

Today was the second round of acadeca testing- Caroline and I alternated reading questions for one of the rooms. It was amazing- the entire nerd population of SAMO was consolidated into one room. Reminiscent of chem concepts of separating mixtures; through distillation or filtration or whatever you choose, the nerd element was separated and suspended in Gaida's room, the ultimate nerd habitat. And by the way, that's a good thing.

Also- what else? The trends in my thoughts recently have been towards college and summer, two concepts which both fall under the category of "freedom." Every summer since middle school has surpised me with the level of independence I've attained, and I'm anxious to see what this one holds. First summer I can drive, now that I think of it. Doesn't feel too different after the amount of time I've had my license, but something about the season makes things like that seem a lot more special.

2002-05-13T21:39:00.000-07:00

GRRR- there was a weezer show at the whisky tonight (FREE!) and I missed it. I probably wouldn't have gotten tickets anyways, and also wouldn't have made it on time, but I didn't even get a chance! It's crazy to think of tons of people rocking out to weezer RIGHT NOW less than 30 miles away. No fair!

At least I get to buy Maladroit tomorrow.

And after all, it's nice enough to be over with chemistry. The AP is still ahead, of course, but this was really what my grade in the class depended on, and all of my hard-core studying is probably over. And then it was a beautiful summer night that felt even more like summer because of Pancho's and walking at night and smelling jasmine. I love the smell of night blooming jasmine- sitting outside in the dark, with random chemical formulas and childhood stories being tossed around, I just closed my eyes and breathed in as deeply as I could. It almost overpowered me.

So 27 days left of school (not counting finals), 2 days until the AP, and less than 12 hours before I can buy my cd. And we get to sleep in tomorrow, of course. Not going to AM is a luxury, but going to school at 12 15 seems like a miracle.

2002-05-12T17:48:00.000-07:00

It's been a good weekend so far, even with AP chem rushing ever closer. I've managed to sleep, and listen to good music, and sing and dance a bit too.

Funny Girl was good, and Erin Krozek was amazing. She was totally perfect for the part, and I was lucky to see it on a day where it apparently went so well. Matt said it was one of the best shows so far. Then the requisite (but for a good reason!) hugs and congratulations for the cast, and we went out to dinner. Another good experience, because a self-deprecating republican is a funny republican.

I made my mom a card (another example of creativity blossoming in the face of standardized tests), and this morning we went down to the boardwalk and sat in the hot sun and ate amazing food. I was so full and warm that I wanted to curl up in the sun and just let it all sink in, UV rays and all.

Chem seems totally pointless- I'm studying, but at this point I'm just doing practice problems and getting things wrong and not really learning anything. I feel like anything I'll do for chem tonight won't really benefit me on either test.

Oh, and when your addled brains need a break, go here and click on the link on the bottom of the page. It'll make you laugh (at the stupidity), it'll make you cry (at the state of the world today that allows this sort of thing to happen). Definitely qualifies as "art" then, eh?

2002-05-09T18:39:00.000-07:00

AP English this morning. I think it went pretty well; depends how much I think about it, though. By the time we get our scores back, I'm sure I will have totally forgotten the nervous stomach and the fast breathing and too much ice water. At that point, it'll be the day where I bubble in a bunch of bubbles and wrote some mediocre essays; at that point, it will probably be nearly indistinguishable from many other days in my life.

It already feels like a while ago because I've watched two movies between "pencils down... and that means put your pencils on the desk... don't forget to put your pencils down because you can get in trouble for not putting your pencils down" and now. Went to see Spiderman instead of lunch/acadeca/track, just the easy-to-follow-bad-dialogue-cute-lead-actor combination I needed to let my brain relax. Then came home and watched Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. A very strange movie; trippy (my current favorite word), if you will. But a lot of fun, though the combination of the two has left me totally braindead and unmotivated to study for chem or even find out if I have any homework in any of my other classes.

Nevertheless, my plans for the next 72 (or so) hours are: studying. And then studying. And then going to the play. Then more studying. I'm sure there will be a lot of sleep/music/wasted time in there too, but if I pretend I don't see it coming, then it can happen without me feeling guilty about it.

2002-05-07T18:47:00.000-07:00

So. STAR 9 testing is dumb, but infinitely rewarding because it's fun to do mental math and answer questions that recquire you to know the meaning of "allure." Simple math always reminds me of math team, which was a lot of fun (especially in 4th grade, when we kicked ass! except didn't call it that, obviously). And it's just nice to look at something and immediatley know how to find the solution; especially after flailing and ultimately drowning on a certain math test the day before.

Yes, testing is basically my life at this moment, at least my public life. It's truly one of the only things I hear conversations about. And yet I can only get myself to study one chapter of chemistry a night, and for some reason have a mental block against the thermodynamics chapter. I just can't deal with it at the moment.

And meanwhile, life, with all of the random conversations and schemes and meaningless plans that entails, continues on.

2002-05-05T14:49:00.000-07:00

Am downstairs, realizing what a truly nice house I live in. Windows behind muslin curtains opened enough to let fresh smelling spring air in along with the sounds of birds (and airplanes). A few blocks from the beach, though I haven't gone in months and my sister, who does go, is too lazy to walk and really enjoy the weather. And my parents (who aren't home) surprise me sometimes too. They do classic "cool parents" things, like giving advice to my friends and making funny jokes and staying out of the way when necessary. If I didn't live with them, I'd want to, at the least from the way they act in public. It's strange because I do have periods when I appreciate them as people, but recently those loving feelings have been overshdowed by stress and a sense of violation and the desperate need to get out of the house. But they surprise me.

In other news, I'm in a state of mind where I do things and don't really think about what they mean. Like trying to get everyone to dance with me, or talking to people even when I know this might cause someone else emotional difficulty. Just because I live in my own head a lot of the time, and if I'm happy, that's enough for me. Is that selfish, or healthy?

2002-05-02T21:22:00.000-07:00

Ooh. So this is the first time I've been online in very long time, because after that whol cable fiasco, we decided my computer was sick and sent it away to be fixed. Even if they do nothing else, at least they can fix the cd-rom drive. Hope it's not some simple problem that any of my computer-inclined friends could have fixed, and the guys at wherever my mom took it are mocking my lack of knowledge.

But of all time to not have a looming distraction in my room (I'm downstairs typing on this annoying keyboard on a computer with an annoying default font), this is the best. I'm finally coming home and working instead of taking "breaks" that end up with me getting involved in conversations or else staring at the computer screen listening to random music. Another plus: I get to listen to my cds more, instead of depending on mp3s.

So there's a lot work to be done, and I'm feeling reasonably confident about it all. I keep reminding myself that there's two weeks until the chem ap, and I have no real reason to be worried. As long as someone can help me with all of this free response crap. Oh, and restrain me from strangling ms. wexler.

I'll come back when I have a chance, but I doubt there will be much to say. Good luck to all on these god-awful tests!

2002-04-24T16:37:00.000-07:00

My computer is having serious issues. For some reason the cable connection randomly seems to stop working every few minutes, and you have to do all this stuff (well, click on a few boxes) to fix it. Hence the lack of posts and the fact that I keep coming on and off of AIM, probably annoying the hell out of anyone who has their sound on.

I'm extremely tired. Big surprise. During 6th period and after school, I realized how little of my environment I'm absorbing, and also how little I think about what I do affects those around me. It's just a symptom of stress and sleepiness, but I moved through entire conversations in a fog. I didn't really care where I was or what I was saying. It's a little scary, actually. I could potentially do or say something that shouldn't be said (or done), and when I come to my senses, it might get me in trouble.

Oh well. Stupid concert last night, stupider one tonight. I feel like everywhere I turn I have commitments and people making demands on me. Every hour of my life seems filled to capacity, and yet I still have the time to come online, and then get off and nap (my big plan for this afternoon). I don't think the priorities part of my brain is working.

2002-04-21T17:42:00.000-07:00

Have been exhuasted for days. Weeks, actually. And I'm not expecting it to stop anytime soon. I just sleep as much as I can and try not to wreck myself by staying up until ungodly hours. Hence the lack of posts recently, and as is quite likely, for the next few weeks. It's AP season, folks, and though I'm not studying every waking moment, I still feel pressure building up. Pressure and work. It's very much junior year.

I find if I have at least one good conversation or other type of social interaction, the day doesn't feel wasted. That happened on Friday- I saw someone after school and we sat in the sun talking about random things for an hour. After that I didn't care what I did; in fact, decided it wasn't worth it to call anyone and spent the night with my sister. She needed me, anyways. More than I needed anyone else.

Last night was a lot of fun. I danced wildly around the living room, and most people missed the show. But it felt good to do something like that, and I only laughed harder when Pierre said he felt like everyone was drunk, including himself. Where did you get that impression, silly boy? But there's something about music that you know, and a best friend, and no inhibitions that can combine to make a night quite pleasant.

And today is work, with a surprisingly short clarinet recital in the middle of it. Less than an hour- I've never done anything for music that was less than an hour. Very exciting. Wish me luck- I have a timed writing. I bid you adieu.

2002-04-18T20:43:00.000-07:00

I hate it when people make me feel like I'm in seventh grade. When I'm around them, and every word I say is wrong; every time I move it's somehow offensive. I turn into the girl who was ostracized by her soccer team and wore big shirts tucked into big shorts. Back then, I was afraid to be myself around all but a few people. I've grown past that; very far past that most of the time. It's just that some people have a way of making me aware of everything I do and everything I say. I feel like I'm under a microscope; one that throws a horrible, ugly light over everything that's been magnified so it comes out even worse than it is.

Other than that, today was a good day.

We had a meet where I hung out with a lot of great people while doing very little actual work. I also didn't go to AM so I got almost 9 hours of sleep. And most of my classes were mildly interesting.

2002-04-17T17:33:00.000-07:00

I just organized all of my CDs. I had exactly 90 (enough to fill a 50 CD tower and two 20 CD racks), and I probably listen to 15 or 20 of them on a regular basis. It did make me mildly nostalgic- some of those cds and songs I never had much attachment to, and I'm wondering to myself why I even bought them, but a few have good memories attached to them. More a sense of me in 8th grade, or freshman year, or whatever, than memories, though. All of the connotations that come with most songs are usually totally random, but I get a very clear memory of the kind of person I was when I listened to that cd incessantly.

I suppose I should get rid of some of them, but that's probably going to be a while. I plan to buy a lot of cds soon, though, so I'll have to figure that out, as every single slot except for one that's mean to hold double cds is filled.

In other news, school is fine. Friends are good. Life, overall, is averaging a pretty good rating.

A final thought: "The road to hell is paved with unbought stuffed dogs." - courtesy one of our great American writers, Ernest Hemingway

2002-04-15T22:27:00.000-07:00

Late night up doing math homework and listening to Weezer B-Sides.

Not a lot more to say - interesting to note that I've been having a lot of good conversations lately. It seems almost every day at lunch I have someone to really talk to; it's not the same, of course, as a lunch group, but often a very nice thing to happen in the middle of my day. It's the one thing that isn't part of the same old routine.

2002-04-14T21:27:00.000-07:00

This day turned out exactly like I thought it would. I spent it listening to music, writing letters and emails and reminiscing about various things. None of it was tinged with sadness; I just smiled to myself as I looked through old notes and blog entries. When I graduate, I'm going to gather together all of the journals and scribbled notes and files on my computer whereI've recorded random thoughts to create some sort of log of my progression to the person I will be next June.

I finally found a song. Even with all of this music I've been downloading, there hasn't been something that's really moved me. I downloaded Bridge over Troubled Water today (Simon & Garfunkel) and it reached deeper than things have in a while. I've heard it before, of course, but it was good finding it again and being touched like it was the first time.

2002-04-14T12:46:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was truly enjoyable. We went to UCI for Quiz Bowl, where we lost horribly but had a lot of fun doing it. I drove down with a full car to the sounds of whatever music Garrett decided was best (as the person sitting shotgun, he was the self-proclaimed DJ) and random laughter and stories from the back seat. I talked to people on my team, people on other teams, and the moderators (who are always cool nerdy people. we get along well). I played DDR, jaywalked to get to In & Out before the rush of people, and wandered around a Farmer's Market sampling free food and juices.

After we got home, Tom, Michelle and I decided to go to a movie, or at least get something to eat. We ended up at Gaucho Grill with a prime seat by both the floor-to-ceiling front window and the bar. From there, we observed (and made snide comments about) people passing by, and hypothesized about the love lives of various people at the bar. I listened to Tom and Michelle talk about their friends and the various dynamics that occur in their group (which they called "the group," a fact by which I was infintely amused). It was interesting watching a conversation like that, because I could sense the feeling of comradery that was behind the words. It was one of those conversations where everything connects, and though I was only a spectator, I enjoyed it because it brought back fond memories of conversations I've had in the same spirit, both recently and years ago.

For our next adventure, we went to the Miramar Sheraton on Wilshire and walked around like we were guests. We checked out the bathrooms (hotel bathrooms are always so nice!), ran up and down the stairs and tried to get to the roof. Then we walked around the back garden, where there are bungalows and pool houses that people stay in. It was totally ordinary, but going around each turn felt like we were discovering a whole new world. When we got to the back of the garden, we looked over the wall and saw California Blvd. The proximity of the real world to this dusky area of tiki lights and waterfalls made it feel even more secluded and unreal. I want to stay there, and explore each and every inch of it. Hotels are so cool because they have an air of anonymity combined with a sense of security and self-sufficiency; you could survive in their forever.

Ahead of me, I have a day that feels like it will unroll slowly and sedately. The impression I get is one like a slow Southern summer day, though it's April, California, and foggy outside. It will just be a day where nothing exciting happens, but when night falls, it will feel infinitely satisfying.

2002-04-12T18:56:00.000-07:00

I lied. Instead of sleeping, I closed my eyes until they stopped aching. Then I came back online, and discovered new music thanks to people's websites and message boards. It's the modern, virtual equivalent to hanging out in record stores and going to shows. Sad, I know. But a good start, and a good way to find bands I've never heard of. I am eternally grateful for Napster and programs like it; I'm too much of a coward/spendthrift to go to a record store and buy something from a band I've never heard. (Though now I'm kicking myself for not buying that Yo La Tengo CD back in Providence). So I'll do my online "research" and download as many songs as I can, go to record stores and listen to KXLU, I believe it is, and maybe I'll discover a tiny, tiny fraction of all the beauty that is out there.

2002-04-12T16:49:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I've updated (long by blogging standards) but I have truly not turned on my computer since... Tuesday, it must be. This week was overwhelming. I feel like the hours of my life have never been spent doing so much stuff. I probably only had 20% more homework than usual, but the vast majority of my waking hours were filled with activity. And in my opinion, there were too many of those waking hours. Since I last filled this space with my exciting insights, I have played clarinet, ran, memorized the facts about 43 presidents, taken a chem test, NOT taken a math quiz, tried to absorb new information, listened to music, watched the simpsons, and slept for not enough time. Yeah. So that's my update. (my brain isn't working)

Oh, but tomorrow is Quiz Bowl! That's very exciting. I'm really looking forward to it, even though I suspect my wealth of knowledge is lacking in too many key areas for us to really do well. But I have a good team (Brent, Tom and Matt), and lots of cool people are going, and I'm driving, and if I'm at a loss, I can always talk to Gaida.

I think I'm going to go sleep now. I'll be more coherent later, I promise.

2002-04-09T19:35:00.000-07:00

One of the more memorable things about today was the amount of stuff I was able to get done (a nap included). I probably talk about this too much when I do it, but I'm always so amazed when I'm able to sit down and work. Amazed at my usually stagnant self-motivation, and impressed with how many things you can do in a limited amount of time if you don't let anything else get in your way.

(Note: I get an epiphany like this every few months. It lasts for a week, if I'm lucky, and then I go back to my old habits. So don't be disappointed if I don't follow through, and also don't be surprised if you see an entry similar to this one in several months. It's a lovely cycle.)

Today I was also more bored than I've been for a very long time in my english class. Ms. Garcia, the administrative lady who was apparently a "lifelong english teacher" before she got pulled into the administration, gave us part 2 of a thankfully only 2 part lecture on Hemingway. I say thankfully because I was beginning to hate the book, the man, and his characters, and we hadn't even started it yet. Ms. Garcia has, I suppose, a very old-fashioned way of teaching. All in lecture form, cliches abounding, stories and analogies we've heard a million times before. Everything she said just seemed old and tired, and also aimed at people who just weren't that bright. Smart, maybe, but not truly intelligent. She was one of those people who stated obvious facts (at least, obvious to me and those around me) as if they were revelations. It annoys me unfathomably when people do that.

So I started The Sun Also Rises today over my after-school snack, and it was reasonably interesting, though I only read the first two chapters. I'm just bitter because of Ms. Garcia's open-mouthed view of Hemingway ("a man's man- you guys know what that means, right"), and his characters ("code heroes") and the fact that all of his writing was based on his life (I know, write about what you know, but it seems kind of cheap and easy to me when you are essentially the main character in each of your books) and the impression I got of Hemingway as really a very simple man, a classic case study of a guy who lost his father and ended up trying to deal with it his whole life.

I'm completely prepared to be wrong. Prove me wrong, if you feel strongly about the issue, or give me a few weeks to actually read the book and prove myself wrong. I don't want to hate what so many people consider a truly great book. Ms. Garcia just didn't help much.

2002-04-08T21:35:00.000-07:00

I lay on my back on the kitchen table reciting dates and names, and when I finally got them all in order I ran upstairs and recited them to my mom AND my sister. My sister didn't know what I was talking about, but I explained I had a test on Friday, so she shrugged and stopped listening. I'm enormously satisfied with myself, though. It's not such a big feat to memorize all the presidents, I know, but I'm very bad at sitting down and making myself DO things. So I'm happy.

Today was the first day back after spring break, and as usual, it already feels like the break never happened. Oh well. I wonder if that will ever change. I guess not, if time keeps on going the way it has been for... a while, to say the least.

Pointless entry. I'm sorry, guys. All my focusing was for presidents and clarinet today. Better tomorrow (or at least back to my usual random prolificness, which I like better. who knows what you think)

2002-04-07T16:49:00.000-07:00

Today I cleaned out my mom's car because it will be my car (in the possessive that you use for temporary ownership) for the next two weeks. My mom was surprised at my so-called "facetiousness"- and along with anyone judging from the state of my room, I don't blame her for not expecting me to enjoy order. But I value it very much; my room is past help, but when I organize anything else in my life I get a small glow of pleasure. For some reason, looking at a neat notebook or a trash-free car makes me feel like I'm in control of things. It's a temporary illusion, but a very nice one when the floor of your room is covered in books, clothes, and college letters, and there's barely a place to step. I think that's why I'm enjoying my empty wall so much; it gives me a visual and mental break from the chaos that is my room. When I have my own apartment, I think it's going to vary between being anally neat and "comfortable" (ie books and clothes all over the overstuffed furniture). As long as I have one little zen-space, though, I think I can be happy.

2002-04-06T20:15:00.000-08:00

Took down my bulletin board today- the one productive thing I did all day. Now it's lying on my bed, stained dark where the various items had covered it and protected it from the sun. The different shades of cork seem like they could be strangely symbolic; the entire process, in fact, feels like some sort of rite. But strangely, I don't feel like I'm losing myself, or revisiting my younger self, or any of the emotions you would expect to be attached to something like this. Instead, I'm looking at who I used to want to be (which does, I suppose, say something about who I used to be). Random postcards from the bathroom at Jake & Annie's, pictures, "clever" sayings, ticket stubs. All put on my wall in effort to "express myself." And I suppose it does say something about me. But it felt strange back then, and so I feel no attachment to all of these scraps of paper as I put them in my trash can. Just an acknowledgment of the girl I was who wanted to have "cool" walls, and perhaps an appreciation for the person I am now who doesn't feel that desire quite so strongly. I'm not getting rid of all the decoration all together- my Rent poster is going up there, to be joined by something else perfect when I find it. And I don't think I'm beyond all of that, not by any means. But it's something that I identify with a person who I used to be, and who still exists somewhere, but somewhere so far away from me that I can't imagine the thoughts that were going through her head as anything more than an observer.

As Kai said, I've grown up.

2002-04-06T14:55:00.000-08:00

There's only us.
There's only this.
Forget regret
or life is yours to miss.
No other road.
No other way.
No day but today.

I can't control
my destiny.
I trust my soul.
my only goal
is just to be.

There's only now.
There's only here.
Give in to love
or live in fear.
No other path.
No other way.
No day but today.

2002-04-04T14:25:00.000-08:00

Vacation doldrums are setting in- for the past hour, I've been walking around my room, sitting down at the computer for a minute or two, sporadically trying to do homework, all with a very random soundtrack. I hate wasting time, but I seem to be unable to get anything done. And who knows if I'll end up doing anything later. Times like this are so pointless.

But on a slightly brighter note, we didn't have chem today. And we don't have it tomorrow. Of course I'm sad that wexler is sick (Jocelyn and I will, I'm sure, comfort each other over that fact later). Oh well. AND my dad went out of town today, and I get my mom's car for the next few weeks. That's what I'm looking forward to most right now.

2002-04-02T20:54:00.000-08:00

I'm back!!!! I have such a ruch of energy right now- almost as high as I was after carnegie. Except that now I'm not dancing around a hotel room as I change out of my concert dress into my "cruise clothes."

So the trip was really good. Colleges were exciting- all of the talk of housing and academics makes me want to be there NOW instead of applying and waiting and choosing. Sadly, there wasn't really the type of lightning bolt epiphany I had hoped for, where I walked on to a campus and knew that was where I wanted to go to college. Nothing of the sort. All that it did was give me a little more of an idea of what they wanted from a student, and a better mental picture of where I might be applying.

And New York was fun, actually a lot more fun than I expected it to be. I went to some great shows (Rent and a concert at the Knitting Factory where I managed to start the long downhill road to deafness), had some good conversations, and played in fucking carnegie hall! It was pretty cool, but like most things, it didn't really hit me until afterwards, where I started jumping up and down and screaming in front of all of the guys who sell fake watches.

Wow, there is so much to say. But if you want to know more, ask me, or watch this space for more random anecdotes. I get to see my friend now!!

2002-03-20T20:59:00.000-08:00

Listening to "Do You Believe in Magic" by the Loving Spoonful (wow, that's a cool band name). This song puts a smile on my face whenever I hear it.

In other news, spring break is in TWO DAYS!! Oh wait, that's the big news. Anyways, I can barely believe that this year is so close to ending. Of course, we have three more months... but right now it feels like they don't even count. This school year has gone faster than any that I can remember. I'm not quite sure what makes that happen- and it's strange to think about all of those days just being gone. More that strange- frightening. I'm always thinking about the fact that a moment gone by is gone forever. The correct response to this kind of thinking would be a resounding "Carpe Diem!" of course, and I do my best, but sometimes I just get stuck thinking about the fragility of things instead of the way I could be using the moment to its fullest.

Interesting tie-in to that thought- we're doing "lyric projects" in english to take up time, and two girls brought in a spanish rap song thing that was exactly about that. The song was okay, but it was strange how much it tied in to what I've been thinking about. The power of music continues to amaze me.

2002-03-19T22:28:00.000-08:00

Today I overslept an evening rehearsal- I woke up exactly when my clock changed from 6 29 to 6 30. Ran out the door and took my dad's car- he was a little disturbed when he got back from walking the dog and saw it wasn't there. Oh well. I got there at 6 45, and besides a snide comment about how you can't be in tune if you're late, Schwabe didn't say anything.

Interesting observation: 75% of the clarinet section was wearing black converse all stars.

Another cool development. First of all, Cassie lives about ten blocks from me. It's strange because we've been in band together since 7th grade (stand partners for two years) and we never knew. And now she's kind of gotten over her whole ditz thing, and we're sort of becoming friends. It's cool.

I want to write more, but I need to study for chem. Sorry for the choppiness.

2002-03-18T23:18:00.000-08:00

So I'm finished. Done with my essay, though I don't think it did even a fraction of the justice both the idea and the book deserves. Maybe someone else could have done better. Or maybe I could have picked something simpler to write about. I'm still mildly proud of my idea, though. Even with all of the horrific mutations it's undergone since the lightbulb turned on at festival on friday, I still know what it's supposed to be and I like it. I just hope that anyone else reading it will understand what I'm trying to say.

I didn't start working until around 9 30. I was disgusted with myself, but now I'm happy that I was able to pull it off. It bodes well for my future (my mom even came in to say goodnight and told me I looked like a college student). Not my immediate future, of course - I predict passing out in at least two of my classes tomorrow - but it's a good skill to have. And the energy that I felt once I finally got myself together was good too. I'm not good at staying up late*, but it brings a strange thrill.

Good night.

*Late for me, that is. I've gone to bed at 11 30 for the past two nights. If you know me, you're either gasping in shock or laughing at the fact that I think I can do it.

2002-03-17T18:00:00.000-08:00

Sometimes the most important thing in life is remembering to breathe, and for me, sometimes that's something that takes more effort than most things. But if you're somewhere and it's raining right now, stick your head outside the window and take a deep breath. Isn't that something amazing?

2002-03-17T14:17:00.000-08:00

Jocelyn came over to my house while the eluting solution was doing its thing at the chem lab, and checked blogs as I watched from the bed while doing my math homework. She got to mine (it's very strange to have someone reading your words while you watch), and I saw that I hadn't updated since wednesday. Oops. I knew it had been a while, but wednesday seems like a very long time ago.

Not like muc has happened. I've spent countless hours online, but I just didn't feel like writing. In a few words: track meet (step one checked off, like that means anything to anyone who reads this). Band festival (long bus ride. crossword puzzle. mildly fun). In n' Out (the best food after a long day of anything). "Working on my essay". Then shopping with my mom (lots of cool new stuff). "Math Project" (we got it done, but the productivity to hours spent at kai's ration was very low.) Chem lab. And now, homework. Lots of homework. This is my twenty minute break (uh oh, it's been 22 minutes. bad me, very bad). Then back to making up chem homework and then the mother of all homework assignments, my english essay.

So that was my weekend (+thursday). Maybe after I stop being stressed out, I'll have more to say. But anything I say now will either be bitchy or make absolutely no sense, so I've decided it's best for all if I say nothing.

(6 more days)

2002-03-13T21:20:00.000-08:00

Oh my god! Huge literary insight! (that has, of course, nothing to do with my essay. Which I sat down to work on an hour ago and still haven't started. But anyways...)

Weezer's Butterfly = Gatsby's perception of Daisy and the mistakes we make by investing too much in our dreams:

When I woke up today
And looked in on my fairy pet
She had withered all away
No more sighing in her breast
...
I guess you're as real as me
Maybe I can live with that
Maybe I need fantasy
A life of chasing Butterfly

Don't you see!? Rivers is talking about how it's easier to chase a dream than pursue someone in reality; how when he finally captured his "butterfly" his perceptions of her as perfect and fairy-like withered away.

And then Gatsby:

"There must have been moments even that afternoon when Daisy tumbled short of his dreams - not through her own fault but because of the colossal vitality of his illusion"(101).

It all matches up so well! Truth is everywhere. And it's beautiful.

Anyways, I'm excited...

2002-03-13T19:58:00.000-08:00

Though today started out on too high of a note (meaning too high of a frequency, meaning tension and the feeling that things could snap very easily), it settled down into a day of going through the motions and trying not to crash. In other words, a reasonably normal day.

Chem test: that was not fun. It caused me undue amounts of stress beforehand (actually, the correct amount of stress for what turned out to be on the test, but it shouldn't have been so much for any test), and during, and afterwards when I got to complain about wexler at the top of my lungs in math class. I wonder if Ms. Rubin thinks we complain about her to other teachers. If I were a teacher and I heard my students complaining every day about their other classes and work and teachers, I would worry that I'm gettting the exact same treatment in other classes. But I'm also unusually paranoid, meaning that this is probably a case of projecting my emotions on to other people.

And today was Festival, the one in the not-so-crazy location. Playing the Tchaikovsky was physically exhausting - I can't imagine playing the whole thing - and a bit of a stress too, because of the inferiority complex I have in orchestra. But we got a Superior, as expected. The only thing I really gained from today's trip was extra time to do my math homework. Oh, and an amusing bus ride home. Bonnie is a born comedian. She has the delivery, the material, and the correct level of cynicism to make it in today's world. A little too cynical at times - my head was hurting enough already without being blasted by deragatory remarks about Britney Spears - but really funny.

I got home and fell asleep by mistake. The right mistake to make, though, because I feel a lot better now. At least my head doesn't hurt anymore. And I am looking forward to Saturday more than anything, simply because it's the only day in the next two weeks where I have no commitments.

Oh, and the most beautiful thing I read today was this (today's entry). It made me wistful and nostalgic for something, though I can't figure out for what. It's strange that another person's normality can make us wish for our own routines. Many of the days I'll be missing for most of my life have already gone by, and though I might want some of them back, it's almost as comforting to have them in the back of my mind, ready to pull out whenever I'm feeling lonely.

2002-03-12T19:49:00.000-08:00

So I told myself I wouldn't come here and complain, because whatever I'm feeling will go away soon and people will be left thinking horrible things about me because by the time I get happy it'll be too late to update... but screw that logic. I want to write out how I feel, and for some (probably exhibitionist-based) reason, I want to do it in a public domain.

Right now my head hurts. Hurts from too much thinking, too much stress, too much worrying about things. Yesterday when we were running, I told Caroline I wasn't stressed at all. What a difference a day makes! I have so much stuff to do tonight (let's ignore the fact that I'm updating instead of starting now and working diligently), and I feel like responsibilitites keep piling up. They probably wouldn't add up to much if I listed them out methodically, but every time I think I have it all down on a nice little organizer in my head I realize I have one more thing to add. Then one more thing. Then another.

I keep coming to the conclusion that I do few things well. Many things slightly above average, but very few things truly well. And what's worse is that I'm afraid to push myself towards those things I do at an average level because I'm afraid that I'm going to screw things up. I want to be an english major at this point in my life; it's something I truly love to do. But it seems like there are other things I could do as well, but I'm satisfied sitting in class writing down whatever the teacher writes on the board. I don't think it's wrong to want to do something I love, I just think that I should have more experiences before I settle down with something that comes reasonably easy to me.

This isn't coming out right. I'm sorry. Maybe I'll delete this post later or something. But I still want people to read it and want to comfort me. Oh, how self-centered we are.

2002-03-11T21:19:00.000-08:00

So that was very unfun. Nonfun. Whatever, it's been too long since I've read 1984 and I'm tired anyways. It all comes down to the fact that we had a two hour orchestra rehearsal, which was almost but not quite as exhausting and painful as the one last week, probably because we didn't have to play those damn A clarinets for as long. And now I have a chem lab to work on, but it's the last thing on my mind. As a matter of fact, homework is running a distant last place to thoughts about how few real talents I really have, how much of a slacker I've become, the fact that I keep changing my mind about people, and the overall realization that all these thoughts are going through my head but I'm not really affected by them.

It's strange, because I don't feel depressed. Maybe a little defeated, but I pass that off to tiredness more than anything else. No, what I feel like is someone who thinks she's depressed but really isn't, who is putting on an act for unexplicable reasons. Almost everything I hear myself say and think seems like a weak echo of thoughts I've had before and been affected by deeply, but now they barely skim the surface. I've either developed a higher tolerance for depressing thoughts, or these are just watered down versions of the real thing. But I keep finding myself carrying out the motions of what I believe I should be doing, whether it be laying my head down during class or complaining to people about my life for sympathy. I really don't need to do that- I have no need but the driving force of habit. Human beings do strange, strange things.

2002-03-10T18:36:00.000-08:00

I'm doing my english homework; it's the most fun I've had with an assignment in a really long time. We're supposed to write a style imitation of Fitzgerald for one of the "missing conversations" in the book, and the more I write, the more I feel like I'm actually... well, not becoming Fitzgerald, but writing with his pen. The only problem is that it's supposed to a conversation, and I have exactly four words of dialogue in two pages. Hopefully Ms. Horn won't mind too much- inner narration is just as good as talking, anyways!

2002-03-10T16:56:00.000-08:00

This has been strange. Maybe it's because I ate too many M&Ms this afternoon, but I have a weird feeling in my head that won't go away.

Went to Jocelyn's to hang out and get chemistry supplies (2 big bags of M&Ms, regular and caramel. Sooo good!). That was a nice thing to do. Not blissfully exciting, but fun. Then to Dutton's, where I could spend hours and hours browsing through the big stacks of books they have on the shelves and the floor. I immediately found the book I was looking for, and then read excerpts from The Dharma Bums and With Love and Squalor. The latter is a book of essays by writers who are responding to Salinger and discussing the impact he had on their lives. I found a lot of parallels in my feelings, including that Salinger isn't an especially good writer, but penetrating and mesmerizing. Also the tendencies of his books to create a group of people who fancy themselves as the intellectual elite and are mildly crushed when they find out what they thought was speaking directly to them was also heard by many, many others.

It left me with an urge to go home and read Salinger, and also a feeling of doubt for so many things. I drove home with Weezer on as loud as I could to try and drown out the thoughts in my head, but it didn't really work. "Every time I pin down what I want it slips away" -- Weezer, Butterfly. That fits so well, even though he's more talking about physical desires as opposed to philosophical beliefs. Thanks to a discussion on Garrett's LJ, I've been feeling pretty good about being alive recently. Fears of death had been slightly banished, and I was really believing people's reasons for living. But driving home, it all came back to me, and I felt totally inconsequential. I wonder how many other people go through their daily lives haunted by something they can't put into words. (My god, that sounds cliche. But dammit, that's why cliches are cliche. Because they make sense!)

2002-03-09T18:12:00.000-08:00

An excellent Saturday thus far- I've managed to combine productivity with fun, and what's even better is the productivity phase is about over and I'm about to head back to my life. Despite a bad start, first being woken up by the 5 45 am alarm that I had forgotten to turn off, and then my sister's friends, I actually used today. This morning I was lying around, but decided to write something about my life right now- the way I feel about things, the recurring thoughts I've been having. It was really rewarding, and then I went back and read through some old poetry and other things I had written. It's a very nice feeling to appreciate your own creativity. When I write it's often a spur of the moment, stream of consciousness sort of thing, and so I'm afraid it won't make any sense when I read it later. And if I can't understand my efforts to express myself just a few months later, I can only imagine what other people, or even future me, will think when reading it. But these fears were banished, because I understand (and like) what I've written.

After being uplifted by my own past self, I decided that the day was just too good to waste and went down to Main Street for lunch with a few friends. We ate good food, including some delicious chocolate mousse, and I, at least, had a good time. I always love using sunny afternoons for something else besides sitting around, and I'm glad that a few hours weren't wasted.

Then home for a ton of homework, which, when I sat down and actually did it, wasn't too bad. And it felt so good to just get it out of the way! I'm not sure if there's anything specific I'm actually making time for, but it's nice to have the time available- also nice not to have things hanging over my head.

2002-03-08T18:26:00.000-08:00

Today was nice. It's Friday and I'm happy about that, but just because I'm getting a respite from waking up early every morning and going through half the day with sense of routine but no awareness. No Friday night stigma for me, at least this weekend. Maybe it will hit tomorrow night, but for now I have plans and that's enough for me.

My favorite part about the school day was sixth period. It was more fun that track usually is; actually, not more fun, but a different kind of fun. Instead of girls-only perpetual laugh sessions, I walked around school and felt like I was being watched, both by imposing Big Brother type of eyes and more casual, teenage ones. Definitely a good time, nevertheless.

And after schol I came home and sat in the back yard with my mp3 player, listening to beautiful melodies that seemed to rise and fall with the breeze. I looked up and saw that our plum tree had blossomed- the bare, skeletal branches are showing signs of life (fragile, delicate life) once more. It was such a pleasant surprise, but at the same time it made me think about time passing, and how each minute that is over lives on only in our memories or in the pages of books (or now, I suppose, online). Just more echoes of my recurring thoughts and fears about my own mortality.

2002-03-07T20:08:00.000-08:00

I'm in a strange sort of mood right now. It's interesting that whatever mood I'm in when I change my imood or update my blog becomes people's impression of my mood and activities for that day. Sometimes my moods or thoughts are so fleeting, but they end up being recorded for posterity.

One thing I'm thinking about is this book I just read, The Tribes of Palos Verdes. It has little to nothing in common with my life, besides the fact it takes place in southern california. But for some reason I felt a strange connection with the heroine, and with her brother, and her boyfriend. Maybe it was the passion, or the imagery, or something. Or just the love for water and the ocean. But it seems relevant. I'll have to figure that out.

Right now I have no overall feelings- my streak of happiness has basically ended, and now I'm just living. Sometimes confused, sometimes ecstatic, a lot of the times frantically trying not to think about what I want to be thinking about. Why do we try to stop ourselves from doing what we want?

2002-03-06T21:47:00.000-08:00

Just got home from the choir Masterworks concert;- they performed Mozart's Requiem with amazing musicality and skill, enough to send chills through me a few times. Afterwards, I watched as the guys in tuxes and girls in long black dresses met and hugged and made plans to go to Denny's, and I got that feeling again. I hate it when it creeps up on me, but it does: I feel like there should be somewhere else I should be, talking to different people than I am (not at that very second, but after I'm alone), because that place and those people are infinitely cooler than I can ever be. Luckily it wore off in the car, though the remnants of that strange energy have gone into my inclinations to go online instead of get to bed like any smart person.

I wonder what it takes to make a person feel totally accepted at all times. Does one ever achieve something like that? Or do we just put on shows for each other, with masks that some have applied more skilfully than others, and suffer in silence?

2002-03-05T18:21:00.000-08:00

But I'm shaking at your touch
I like you way too much
My baby, I'm afraid I'm falling for you
and I'd do about anything to get the hell out alive
Or maybe I would rather settle down with you
--Weezer, Falling for You

So life seems rather uneventful lately. When this week began, I felt like I had tons of responsibilities to uphold, and so being at home (not doing my homework) on Tuesday night seems wrong. That nagging feeling is back... But I'm grateful that I don't have anything I really need to do, because last night's big commitment - orchestra rehearsal - was thorougly exhausting. I was so tired and annoyed that I felt like crying. But again, a nice silver lining- I realize that the only times I've felt like crying in the past months is when I'm so exhausted I have no control over my emotions. Unfortunately, I've been that exhausted a lot recently, which has led to a lot of close moments and one not-very-fun one last friday. I keep diagnosing myself with needing more sleep, and failing to comply to my orders. Maybe tonight will be the lucky night...

Wherever You Go, There You Are

GO

I'M GOING TO WEEZER!! *goes wild*

I'M GOING TO WEEZER!! goes wild